Drunk Warden is Drunk
by MadamSnark
Summary: In which Kallian becomes almost too drunk to function and has one goal: have sex with Zevran. For some reason, her drunken seductions don't seem to be working. How hard is it for a warden to get laid around here! OneShot


The world started to shift as Kallian got up from the ground, the fire a hazy glow. It was difficult to put one foot in front of the other, each step a result of intense effort and concentration, but she had a single goal: Zevran.

She stumbled over a bump in the ground and a strong arm wrapped around her, as she pressed her hand against a solid wall of chest.

"Alistair, what?"

"How much have you had to drink, Kal?" He teased, arm still steady around her.

She pushed back from him in defiance. "I've had as much as you!"

"You're tiny." Alistair patted her head which was level with his chest to emphasize his point.

Kallian's focus shifted from him easily as she mumbled, "'Kay." and continued on her wandering path, the ground feeling as if it was shifting beneath her.

It felt like it took forever, the world blurring in slow motion when Kallian half-fell onto the log beside Zevran where he was listening to Leliana tell a story.

"Leliana, shh, I need him." She reached across Zevran, practically draping herself across his body to press a finger against the bard's lips.

Leliana giggled leaning away, leaving Kallian still lying across Zevran's lap. "And what do you need him for?"

"I find myself asking the same question, as I am the one with a rather drunk warden across my lap." Zevran absentmindedly brushed the hair out of Kallian's face, where her head had flopped down on his thigh.

"Penis," Kallian mumbled sleepily.

Leliana pressed a hand to her mouth, mirth in her eyes. "What was that?" She took the bottle of rum back from Zevran, taking another sip, waiting for what their leader would come up with.

Kallian shoved her upper body up, swaying as she righted herself. She found herself facing the sky with a warm hand on her back, stopping her from falling all the way off the log. Zevran righted her, easily following her unsteady motions with careful hands.

"I said I want his dick. Zev, give me your dick." Kallian reached downwards, her hands shooting surprisingly quick towards his groin. He caught one hand as it pressed against him, raising a single eyebrow at her, challenging her.

Leliana almost spit her drink out, choking as the rum burned down her throat and she laughed at the same time. "And is this agreeable to you, Zevran?" She egged them on.

He chuckled ruefully. "Kallian, Kallian," he called her name twice getting her to focus on his face. "I did not realize she was this drunk. When did she get this drunk?" He looked back at Leliana.

"I believe she was trying to keep up with our other warden," Leliana's eyes flicked to Alistair, who was enjoying a pleasant buzz - nowhere near Kallian's level of inebriation.

"Sexy time?" Kallian slurred, pupils dilated, her other hand creeping along Zevran's leg, not paying attention to the rogues talking over her.

He hung his head. "Ah my warden, what am I to do with you?" He gripped her wandering hand in his own. This was testing his self-control in the most extreme of ways, thinking of all the wonderful ways in which she enjoyed touching and feeling him. He barely had the willpower to banish these thoughts. Curse her talented hands.

He pulled his attention away from her for the moment. "Alistair, what did you do? Look at her, she is - she is completely demolished!"

"It was her idea!" Alistair went on the defensive. "She wanted to go shot for shot. Stubborn, that one."

Kallian began to crawl over his lap, but he deftly swung her around so she was sitting with her legs across him instead of straddling him. "Sex. Zev, I want it. I want you." She spoke for all of camp to hear.

"I really don't need to be hearing this." Alistair groaned from across the fire, covering his ears with exaggerated motions.

"It's sweet," Leliana crooned. She grabbed the bottle again and moved away from the couple to sit with Alistair instead.

"I was drinking that." Zevran complained, unable to snatch it back due to the intoxicated elf on his lap.

"I'll drink you," Kallian mumbled close to his ear.

Her hot breath created a stirring in his loins. He shifted in his seat. "That… that doesn't even make sense, querida."

She started nibbling along the tip of his ear, her hands wandered down his chest, feeling his sculpted muscles beneath his loose shirt.

"Mierda, you need to stop," his voice husky in arousal.

Kallian smirked when she felt the telltale hardness growing beneath her and she shifted on his lap. "Take off your pants Zev." It was a demand; this was what she came for.

Zevran ducked his head into her shoulder, groaning. "You are making this so hard, my warden."

"That's the idea," she breathed against him, not to be deterred.

"Okay, off of Zevran's lap," he croaked as he shifted her to one side of him, resisting her drunken attempts at seduction.

"You aren't naked yet. Do I get naked first?" Kallian reached for her shirt, fingers fumbling at the bottom, untucking it from her breeches, entirely focused on getting what she wanted.

Zevran grabbed her hands, holding them firmly in his own, thumbs stroking in circles. He sighed. "Kallian, how much have you had?" He smiled as she squirmed, the alcohol dulling her senses and weakening her limbs, everything feeling heavy and numbed.

"I want your cock."

He pressed a kiss to her temple. "You are infuriating. Please, focus, my dear. Zevran's cock will be waiting for you when you answer."

Kallian's eyes lit up. "There was the...ummm…" Her gaze drifted away, thoughts swimming through her head faster than she could grab onto them.

"Focus, warden," Zevran locked eyes with her. He had never seen her this drunk. It was both amusing and incredibly distracting. Her hands strayed all over him and he wanted to say yes more than ever.

"That Antivan brandy was actually really good." Kallian sighed into him, head hanging down onto his neck, arms going limp around his shoulders.

Zevran shook his head, satisfied that at least for now these were innocent touches. "You drank my brandy? You were taking _shots_ of my good brandy?" He groaned, running a hand down his face. "Please tell me there is some left. When did you take my brandy?"

"Nicked it," her lips moved against his neck as she spoke, sending warmth down to his stomach.

"This was your first time with brandy, yes? My warden is too drunk to hold her head up." He found himself softly petting her hair as she leaned against him.

"No!" Her shout muffled by his shoulder. "Just the Antivan kind. I like the Antivan. You're Antivan. I like you too. Antivan is the best." She rambled. It was harder to string thoughts and words together. Zevran's smell was surrounding her, and the fire was warm. She felt the warmth throughout her body as she draped across the much too sexy Antivan. Why wouldn't he just take off his sodding pants?!

Her energy returned, surprising Zevran when her head shot up. He was certain she was reaching the stages of passing out. "Here we go," he chuckled.

Kallian grabbed his face in her hands, directing him to look into her eyes. "Zev, Zev I'm serious. Zev, just give me your dick right now." The slur was gone from her words as she made her demands.

Zevran groaned. His frustration seeping out. "You know I hate to deny you but please, my warden, you cannot be tempting me with these things. You are drunk; it would not be appropriate."

Kallian laughed loudly, head falling back, shoulder shaking. She scoffed, "Pffft, appropriate? Was it _appropriate_ when you licked -"

Zevran firmly clapped a hand over her mouth, cutting off whatever thought she was about to blurt out, to save her the embarrassment. He touched his forehead to hers, trying to hold in the laughter, not wanting to encourage this behaviour any further. "Please, I am begging you, be quiet."

"Mmmmph!" She yelled against his hand.

His wiry muscled arms pulled her tight against him. Seating her backwards in his lap, tucking her head under his chin. "Do not fight me on this, my warden. I will hold you like this until you stop." This time he didn't hide his grin when she wiggled against him. Had Kallian been sober, she might have had a chance. He had indulged in several drinks himself but holding her was too easy.

She huffed and sunk back against him, feeling sluggish.

He hesitantly removed his hand from her mouth, loving the sight of her pink lips pouting. He indulged in a kiss, tilting her chin towards him to reach her softness. She smelled like brandy. _His_ Antivan brandy. She had underplayed her thieving skills apparently.

Kallian's tongue slipped into his mouth she moaned when he finally indulged with her. Finally! Her hands went to his hair, fingers running through it as she moved her lips against his. His hand snaked around to slide down her back until he was cupping her ass, holding her securely against him.

A feminine cough carried to Zevran's ears from across the fire and he broke the kiss.

"Zev," she whined, having finally gotten on the track she wanted.

"We have an audience," he gestured to where Alistair was pointedly avoiding their gaze and Leliana was laughing hysterically, rapidly reaching the same level of intoxication as Kallian.

"Don't care," Kallian mumbled, pawing at his clothes.

"Perhaps these are things we should be taking inside?" Zevran held her wrist, reflexes still lightning quick despite the drink, preventing her from yet again going for the ties on his breeches.

"Oooh, are you inviting me to your tent?" Kallian bit her lip before almost slipping off his lap backwards.

"Braska!" He cursed, almost missing her fall. Zevran grabbed her around the waist, pulling her tight against him yet again. "Yes, yes, just come with me, my warden." He hoisted her up, intending to keep her steady as they walked the short distance to his tent.

Kallian tripped and stumbled over her own feet, dizziness overtaking her at being upright. She clung harder to Zevran's shirt, losing track of where she was going.

"This is no good." Zevran stopped after a few steps and bent down, placing a hand on Kallian's back and another behind her knees, scooping her up, bridal style.

Her head fell to his shoulder, eyes closing against her will. "Zev," she mumbled.

Leliana whistled at them, catcalling as they reached the tent.

"Yes, thank you for your input, Leli," Zevran called to her. "What is it my dear?" He returned his attention to his warden.

"What happened?" Kallian muttered.

"Make her scream!" Leliana continued to shout.

"Okay! I'm done. That's enough for me," Alistair announced.

"What do you mean?" He ignored Leliana and Alistair.

"Your face is pretty." Kallian slurred.

At this point there was no following her thoughts. "Alright, my warden, I need to set you down for a second while I undo the tent flap. Please hold the back of my shirt." He put her down and placed her hands on his back, making sure she had a grip before he bent to untie the tent strings.

Kallian let go of his shirt as the flap opened for her, falling into a crawl until she rolled onto her back on his bedroll. He was right behind her, closing the flap and surveying her with an indulgent smile.

"Dick… now?" Kallian sighed out. She could barely get words to move past her lips. Her eyes kept falling closed, suddenly heavy.

Zevran knelt down beside her, chuckling softly. "You can barely speak yet you still utter these words. You are hopeless."

Her eyes fluttered closed and her breathing evened out. Kallian felt as if she was floating. Her head was spinning and she wasn't even sure where her limbs were as she was strewn across the bedroll. Insistent tugging on her breeches roused her.

She blinked bleary eyes to see Zevran's typical smirk as he slid the pant legs down, holding up one foot at a time to pull them loose.

"Getting frisky, Zev?" She smiled to herself, giggling, unsure what was so funny but still feeling the need to laugh.

"You were passing out. Why don't you go back to that now?" Zevran teased as he lifted the blanket over her.

"Uh huh." Kallian muttered, already forgetting what she was agreeing to.

"Sleep now." He told her, settling beside her comfortably.

Kallian slid her hand forward to the space between them. "Here."

Her demand was clear enough and Zevran obliged, slipping in next to her where she immediately shoved her face into his chest. He got a face full of blonde hair and he brushed it away, smoothing it behind her pointed ears, eliciting a sigh from Kallian.

"You are going to feel terrible in the morning," Zevran whispered, unsure if she even heard him.


End file.
